Lament

Today I went t on a tour of DC. We saw the rich parts and the poor parts. But my favorite sight was Massachusetts Ave in the northeast (one of the northsides). On that avenue were all the embassies one could ever think of. You seen these beautiful houses connected to each other with a flag attached to each. Each house represented the country it housed by its appearance. It was beautiful.

Then we came back to the church and had a lot of down time I guess because it's the last night here. We played card games and we played that cool game witht he cups. Then we got into some praise and worship and then the night moved forward. The topic was lament. But I wasn't too easy about this. She was saying how she struggled with God because of some of the things that happened to her. Then she read Lamentations chapters one and two where the woman of Zion was crying out and blaming God. But I don't think I have anything to grieve or mourn about. If things happened then God had it so. I can't grieve because that is like second guessing God and considered complaining to me. Yes as humans we feel so many emotions but I don't feel that we should take them out on God.

So my question to you is, should we lament? Do we have reason to? How do you think God will feel and respond to this? Is this appreciation or ungratefulness?

Homeless

Today was definitely a blessing. We were told that we were going to talk with homeless people. I thought that it would be in a shelter or in a pre arranged meeting. But it wasn't. We had to literally sit on the street and talk with them. When I went to talk with the man (with a partner of course), so many things were going through my mind. I thought that he was going to lash out on me and harm me but as time went on, it was so much better. We all became more comfortable talking with each other. We encouraged him to keep it up his faith and continue to hold on. We prayed for him and then left. he will always be in my mind because I never knew how it felt. Sitting with him opened up so many emotions for me because for a second I was in his shoes. He was so shocked he kept saying that we had stopped to talk with him and you can see it all over his face and in his movement.

We also walked around and prayed for the community. People were looking at us and some were making comments toward us because they haven't seen a lot of white people. But the thing that stuck me was we were walking around and this little boy asked if we were Christian. We replied yes and he said I am Christian too and then declared he was apart of our group as well as other kids. It was cool to see that kids would claim Christianity. We just prayed and walked.

This program is helping me to come out of my comfort zone. I've been praying out loud and sharing my views on the topics at hand. It had really been an experience for me.

The Plunge

Adjusing to this place is kind of tough. But I have to make do with what I have. Little by little I have been opening up. Not just to the new ways of experiencing God but also through new people. Most of the people here are totally different from me and I am warming up to that idea. On Sunday there was only a choice between a Black Catholic Church and a multi-ethnic church. The list for the multi-ethnic grouo filled up quick and I had no choice but to go to the Black Catholic Church. I didn't know anything about them except they put the Virgin Mary in their "honors." But as much as I tried to plead I couldn't go to the Baptist Church down the street.

This church was different. It didn't seem like a Catholic church and I was mad about that in a way. They sang and danced and ALL believed in the Holy Spirit and from what I learned that wasn't the case for them (correct me if I am wrong). I didn't feel that they were being true to the meaning of Catholic. And I don't understand if it was right or wrong to think that? But after fighting and what not, God does work! As I began to let go some things go, I've began to become more appreciative of what was happening.

The first track day was themed addiction for me. I went to a house for men who have been sober from drugs for atleast a month and we talked it with him. Then we went out to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting. I heard them speak. They didn't know that I was visiting. So I heard them speak. A key thing is that those meetings put in them that there is a higher being. They call Him God but at as you understand them. Funny thing was they knew that they couldn't handle it on their own. Then I went to hear a woman who spoke about her being the director of a facility who housed women and men who just came off the street from homelessness and addiction. It was very motivating for me. It pushes me to go forward to contine to want to do this work in my own community.

Last thing was that we had this food rationing scenario where some got food and some didn't. Some had grand meals and others had just enough. It was eye opening. This plunge is definitely something that is needed elsewhere.

Is Jesus Enough For You

The first day in DC has been interesting. There are about 35 college aged students here. It's called the Urban Plunge. Basically what I get from the program is they come here to DC in the urban area and talk about the different aspects of city life and how the people are affected by it. The first day the topic of race came up and how the people on Captiol Hill are trying to change DC completely around. They don't want people coming to Washington to the White Hous and all they see around it is poverty. So they're in the midst of changing that by charging more for rent and building condo. But that's a story within itself.

But there was this lady who talked with us that night. She works for the FDA is DC and her topic was, is Jesus enough for you? It was a good topic. But it could of had a better effect on the audience f she really gave it to us. But that is just opinion. It didn't make me think because that question is something that we all ponder all the time. But I never answered that question until yesterday. My answer was no. I know that Jesus is more than everything and He can supply more than I'll never need or desire but I feel as though I still chase those worldly things. I continue to seek other things to satisfy me and I am sometimes unconsciencly dependent on them too. So now as I realize I do this, I take a step back and check myself.

So we as Christians have to really be on that. We can't say Jesus is enough if we sare still dependednt on other things. Could you really sit back and just take what's handed to you by Jesus? No supplements, just Jesus.

Do Not Save Me

Do not try and save me. I am just floating in the water. I can swim. I am not drowning. Please do not try and save me. I do not need you to. I said I can swim. I got this. You can show me some new strokes and tricks but do not try and save me. You trying to save me will make me start to panic. Then I am going to have to try and keep up with you and swim to your stroke.I am soo good.

Just One of Them Days

Sometimes you just have to get away. Just as Jesus did when he wanted to be alone (wrote a blog on that before). Not so far away where you lose contact but not to close where you're still involved. For me I feel like I am experiencing that right now. I don't want to be close to anyone but I don't want to remove myself either. I just wanna hear what I believe the Lord is telling me without distraction around me and without trying to figure everything out. I am taking some personal days.

I want this new change to stay. I don't want it to slip away so I have to work extra hard to keep it. All else can wait.

Effect, Affect, Who Cares..I Do

Do not let the past AFFECT who you are and as you move forward do not let what you are EFFECT who you are to become. The reason I capitalized those words is because even though they sound the same (or we pronounce them the same), they are not. Affect deals more with emotional influences and effect is the result of something, the end. I know I started out as a sinner and continued to be a sinner even after I went down in the water. But I cannot let those sins keep me from my purpose that God has for me. I can let the guilt overwhelm me or I can let peoples who knew me then tell me now that I am truly not saved or I can simply keep myself back because of what I've previously done to spare myself from those staring eyes. Those are all hidden emotions that I once had.

In that above phrase, I am in the middle. I am on my way to becoming something that I can't even dream of thanks to God. I can just feel it. Change is definitely happening on the inside and it feels great. But I cannot let that great feeling effect who I am to become. I can take it all to the head and soak in it to then become so crinkly that I distort what I was to become or I can merely embrace it until God calls for me again. For right now I have to do what I can for others and myself. I have to show them what God has shown me and spread the good news. I have to just hold on.

That's my encouragement for you. Stand against the tricks of the enemy. He enticed us in our past so it can be carried with us to our future. But the thing is, it can only come with us IF we bring it with us. So let it go. I promise you, once you shed that and you are sitting in the middle of that sentence, it will get a bit easier.

My Satisfation

I thank God for my new phone. It has all those cool apps and one of the first ones that I downloaded was the Bible app. It really does come in handy. I can study from my bed (yes, lazy me) and even while I am on the go. But while some friends and I were going skating, I began to feel some sort of way. It was awkward. We were still in route to the rink and it all just hit me. It's the weekend. On a typical weekend at school people get together and drink, hang out with their boyfriend or best friend, go places that are exciting, party and any other thing you can think of. But in my life none of that fits right now.

So I repeated to myself was, "God is my comforter." I even thought back to how my Pastor had the Deacon demonstrate with how God covers us in our time of need. But I needed more than just a heed. God didn't actually talk to me but I know that He was right next to me. I decided that I'd push those thoughts out of my mind because I am not like the rest of them. I can't compare myself to them because they don't do what I do. Did I mention that I love my new phone. Well I pulled out my phone and used my Bible app and just read a chapter. That chapter (didn't relate to anything at the moment) just made me feel a lot better. I was reading God's word. That was enough for me.

One Hundred: Reflection

I first started my blog because of my youth Pastor. I don't care how old I get, she'll always be my youth Pastor, mine. But I started because of her (copy the "Talia Rivera's Blog" url on the left side). When I read her blog, it blew me away. She was getting way deep and I wanted to do the same. I am not one to speak about me so I started this blog to speak about me, to speak up. I felt that having a blog would allow me to be something that I normally wouldn't be when I am around people. It really has helped me to become a bit bolder in my speech. It has encouraged me to step up and really deal with issues I would normally suppress.

From the first post until now, I feel that my blogging has gone a bit deeper. At first I wrote more Bible-based posts. As time went on, I threw in some life stories, some feelings, some praise, some motivation, some thoughts and some questions. A whole variety of topics. At a point in time, I actually stopped writing (the summer of 2009) because I didn't want people to know what was inside my head and I didn't want them to know me. Then I came back and just kept to it although I did get discouraged again. But it was just a bump in the road and I am over it. Writing this blog has brought so many emotions and thoughts out and right now I'd have to say it was all worth it. I am content.

I write because I love to write about my God and what He is bringing me through both good and bad. Sometimes I am not as blunt on certain posts as I am on others but trust, every post has a story behind it. I love to bring my thinking here so everyone can read it because a lot of people are like me, always wondering and trying to make sense. God is definitely using this blog to get through to people and I thank Him for that. If He wasn't, I wouldn't of made it this far. The times I did try to quit it didn't work.

But I thank my followers for supporting me and I also thank you all for the posts you've posted. They've helped me also. So as I give on this blog, I also receive because my followers each have something that helps on this journey. I also want to that my Pastor for supporting me ever since she got my blog address and for helping me to stay focused on it. And also God for using me, building me up and making me confident with me. He is a great God and there is no one like Him. I pray that He'll just continue to bless others and I through this blog.

Thank you all again. God Bless!

I believe I have truly come a long way in this Christian walk and through this blog.

Ninety-Eight, Ninety-Nine, One Hund....

This is my ninety-ninth post and to me that is important. I like certain numbers and to me they have a lot of meaning. I feel that through everything God speaks to me and sometimes it is through numbers. it's not done like this all the time but say I just bought something from the store and I receive change back and it was in the sixties, I think about my saved life. They say that 6 falls short of 7 which I understand as perfection. I reevaluate myself to see what I am doing wrong. Say I was playing a game and I got a 90-something. When I say 90-something I think of it in denominations like 100, 1,000, 10,000, 11,000, anything. If I fall just beneath these denominations I reevaluate my saved life. It doesn't happen every time a number is given to me, only when I feel that pull in my Spirit is when I'll pay closer attention.

But as you know, I made up my mind to memorize Psalms 51. And if you didn't know Psalms 51 is a passage of TRUE REPENTANCE. At first when it was given to me I did not know why I HAD to memorize it, I just started it. I didn't want to recite it just to recite it. I wanted it to have meaning. So I told myself it was for a time waaay later in life for if I ever sinned. But that time came sooner than expected. It's time to go to another level. It's time to tighten the reigns. But I can't get there without true repentance of the old me. And I say old me because I've out-grown my old ways. I'm letting go of things finger by finger and no lie, God has been standing there until my last finger finally let go and He caught me.

As I memorize each verse, I meditate on it. And verse my verse my Spirit began to weep. As I reached around verse 13 my Spirit did more than cry. And right now I am putting verse 14 into effect. I am proclaiming God reigns forever in this Temple. I understand what God is telling me. Now I just have to trust and I am doing that. It's the new me. So my ninety-ninth post is shedding the old me. The hundredth post will reflect on my writing and what it means to me and 101 and forward (until God gives me another number) will be a definite new me. It's a process and I am trusting the Lord in EVERYTHING I do.

Isaiah 54:17: No weapon formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that rise against thee in judgement thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.