Day Three: What Drives Your Life?

Point to Ponder: Living on purpose is the path to peace.



Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?

I think my mom would say the driving force of my life is church, school and friends. She'd say church because I am always there when I come home on the weekends or I'd come back come back just to be in church. Also every time I go somewhere it's with the church. So she always say "what ya'll be doing at that church?, you're always there!" So I think church is something she sees in me. I also like going to school. Every time she says she is going to send me to a school I feel I shouldn't be at I go crazy. I think she just likes to see my reaction. But when I do something well in school I tell her and I always tell her about what my school has to offer and such. I always talk about that. And lastly, she'd say my friends because she thinks I bend over backwards for them. When I don't. I just like to be nice to them and treat them with a lot of love.

My friends would probably say the driving force of my life is school for the same reasons I stated above. I like school at certain points in time. They may even say church too because I always tell them about it or relate whatever it is that we are doing to church.

I want the driving force of my life to be God and the things of God. As I go from service to service there are all kinds of people who give testimonies about God working in their life and they are blessed. I want to be just like that. I want to stand up in front of people and talk about the good things God has done in my life. With God all things are possible. So it's like every thing in one. I can have God and underneath that umbrella a whole bunch of things will fall in place whether it's having peace or happiness. If I have God then I'll have peace and happiness and not have to choose. So I want to keep living for God no matter how bad the course.

Day Two: You Are Not An Accident

Point to Ponder: I am not an accident.

Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

Part of my personality that I am struggling to accept is my shyness. People may not think I am shy but I really am. I try to hide it all the time. If you ever see a big grin on my face then that side is coming out. Sometimes I force myself to say things to suppress the shyness. I want to be able to just get up in front of people and say things without shaking and my voice going in and out. Other than that I like my personality. I like to please those around me (to a certain extent). If I know it will make someone smile then I am willing to do it. Another part of my personality that I am struggling with is second guessing myself. When I second guess myself in the end I wish I would have did what I second guessed. So I feel I lack the confidence that I should have. Again, sometimes I just have to push/force myself to just do it.

Part of my background that I am struggling to accept is my family. I seem so much different from them. It's like I am the one who sticks out and is different. But who am I to say, they may feel the same way. But I don't think I get the full support I need from the beginning. I have to just go ahead and do it and when something good comes from it is when the support comes in. I tell myself that where I started doesn't matter but where I end up. I try not to let that get to me but once in a while it does.

I love my physical appearance. Once in a while I don't like my stomach but it's because I like to eat. So my tummy is something I did to myself (lol), so I can't complain. I accept everything else. I love it.

But thinking of the point to ponder I guess it's all for a reason. It doesn't make complete sense to me now but it will. What's going through my mind is where I came from will probably help someone else get through.

Selfishness

People are really selfish. I've seen it through out my life. I can be guilty for being selfish too. Sometimes it's something that just happens without knowing. It goes deeper than you. It goes deeper than me. It goes deeper than me and you. It goes as deep as me, you and every body else. Now that's deep. Deeper than what we imagined. But people don't realize it because of selfishness. Selfishness is truly blinding. You don't want to be wrong because you have to be right. You don't make mistakes because you've stepped over something like this before. You, you, you. But what about me? Is that selfish? To ask about me when I am talking about you? What about me? Now I have to work a little harder and feel a piece of me lose a little life. Keeping up with your selfishness is burden on my back. But of course you don't feel it because you're not me. You just think I am tired from everything else around me when in reality I am tired of you.

He Definitely Comes Through

I applied for a summer grant for the summer of 2009 which is for students who are taking on an unpaid internship. The deadline was April 3 and after submitting the proposal for the grant I prayed and asked God to award me this grant. Even though it's not millions of dollars I still had many plans for it. But I had to keep in my head that I couldn't ask God for something and He not get any glory from it. So I decided to go to South Africa with my church in December with the money and use the other half for school.

Well after submitting application all the applicants received an email back stating that everyone will know whether they were awarded the grant or not by the weekend of April 24. When the 24th came I kept checking my email over and over and like 50 times a day. The 26 came and still I got no email response. As I was sitting in my french class something told me to check my mailbox. So I went and checked my mailbox. Mind you I don't receive much mail. When I opened it there was a white paper about exams week, a lime green paper on dorm key returns and a (school name goes here) envelope with my name and mailbox number. I thought it was for a class or a dinner that I was invited to. But once I opened it, it was a letter for the grant I applied for. I was awarded the summer grant! I thanked God.

I was awarded this grant from God because if I wasn't I wouldn't of been able to work in His house like I would have wanted to. This summer I believe is my time to work in His house. My Pastor wants me to coordinate a step team and that's a lot of hard work and takes a lot of time. I also want to do a few days a week at the church camp (if they have it this summer), go to Bible Study consistently, fellowship with my church family and go to South Africa. I cannot do all that plus work a regular job. So at least I am starting off with something. I still have to work at my regular job of course, but not as hard as I would have.

Thank God!!

Day One: It All Starts With God

I am starting to read Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life:What On Earth Am I Here For?" This book will hopefully help me figure out my purpose in God. If not it's a good book to keep me focused on God. I will post the questions regularly and title them "Day (day goes here):(title of chapter goes here). If they aren't titled like that then it's just my normal posts. Hope you guys enjoy my journey, I sure enough will. (can't wait until I reach day forty!)

Point to Ponder: It's not about me.

Question in Consideration: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?

I can remind myself that lfe is about living for God and not myself because I'm told over and over again that we were created for Him. So if I were created for Him I have to do what I do for Him. I have to please Him. Through God is how I go on living, through God I am able to go to this expensive school, through God almost everythng makes sense. I constantly remind myself that I live for God by surrounding myself by the things of God. When I do that I see more and more that He is God because only God can perform in such a way. When I encounter things that say "do it for you, do what makes you happy," I think "will God be pleased?" So all in all I put Him in the midst of everything whether it's eating a piece of candy or a big plate of food.

Different Lights to a Different Setting

I was talking to a friend and I told her how I felt about her spiritually and such. I went on to talk about how I felt about our mutual friends and how everyone was special. I told her that we all have attributions of God and that we each possess something that is so unique from the next. And since each person differs we see certain situations differently which is not a bad thing. We all shine! In my walk right now I (carefully) look to these peers of mine to push myself further and to learn more about God. We are all different lights to a different setting. We are all intertwined and lean to each other for understanding. So if one is dim then that affects the whole group. We have to keep each other in check because if we lose one, we risk losing all.

I feel that being the age that we are and deeply dedicated to God that we are rare individuals. And usually when something is rare it gets abused and is taken away from what it was really supposed to be for. Diamonds weren't made to be worn on fingers. It is our responsibility to keep each other grounded and hungry for the Lord.

Faithful Is Our God

Love, love looove this song.

Faithful, faithful, faithful is our God
Faithful, faithful, faithful is our God
Faithful, faithful, faithful is our God
Faithful, faithful, faithful is our God
I'm reaping the harvest God promised me
Take back what the devil stole from me
And I rejoice today, for I shall recover it all
Yes, I rejoice today, for I shall recover it all

Holy, holy, holy is our God
Holy, holy, holy is our God
Holy, holy, holy is our God
Holy, holy, holy is our God
I'm reaping the harvest God promised me
Take back what the devil stole from me
And I rejoice today, for I shall recover it all
Yes, I rejoice today, for I shall recover it all

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is our God
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is our God
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is our God
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus is our God
I'm reaing the harvest God promised me
Take back what the devil stole from me

Just the Beginning

God is so good. When He wants you to know or to do something He will let it be known. Lately I've been feeling that I am too comfortable just sitting in the pew at church. I feel that I've learned all that I can get by just coming to church on Sunday's. Then I started attending the services that didn't fall on a Sunday and going to events that I normally would pass over. Now that's still not enough for me. I feel that I need more. I want to be immersed by everything pertaining to God. And I think these feelings are getting some attention from God.

I know as well as God that I need to take it up a step because doing the things that I do is easy for me. I don't have to think about if I'll make it to service or not. I heard that once you become too comfortable in church (and I am extending that to my natural life also) then it will become easier for you to deviate and I don't need to go through that again. So I felt that I should step out in church more and become involved. Then I got an opportunity from God to each my Youth Pastor's (female) Sunday school class that I enjoyed very much. It was the push I needed. Then I just read another blog about being the light for others. It felt like her blog was literally speaking to me and brought up thoughts that I had in mind.

So now what I have to do is act on it and really seek God because I feel and know that all of this has purpose and meaning. It's only the beginning is what I am told :-.)

A Tarnished Name

In step practice today we were fooling around as usual. Someone made a comment toward someone else and they responded by saying, "Jesus talks for me." Everyone was like , "huh," and she repeated herself again. I turned toward her and just stared as she repeated it. On the inside I was actually angry at this statement for the simple fact that she was not the image of Christ (I kept my thoughts to myself but it's my blog and I can write what I want :-p). It bothered me because she does not do the things of Christ. I asked myself how could she say these things if she doesn't set the examples of Christ? How could she tarnish such a wonderful name? If Jesus spoke for her how come I don't see it in her daily actions?

That's probably why it's so hard for people to accept Christianity because Jesus' name is not spoken of like it should be. People who do the things of the world claim what is sacred and holy.

Getting Through to Them

Today I got the privilege to teach the youth (teen years) sunday school class. When my Youth Pastor (female) called me in the morning I thought she was just teasing me. So I said okay I'll teach. I was waiting for the line where she said "naw, I'm just messing with you" but that didn't come. I asked her what I should speak on and she talk about your blogs on decisions. So for a short period of time I made up in my mind I'd speak about decisions. But that wasn't enough.

A little while back as I was getting into my studies for some reason I kept reading Galatians over and over again. I asked myself why was I coming back to the same book but I guess this was the purpose. But since this was a month or so ago I had to brush up on it. I had my notes all set before the start of sunday school. I was really nervous even though I spent a couple years with them. It was different now that I was teaching. I started to stumbled across my words and repeat sentences. My Spirit told me to calm down and to just speak and I did.

The lesson ended up ending before time was up and I asked the teens if they had anything else to say. I told them it was OK to ask questions and I told them how I felt when I was asked to ask a question. By the end of the sunday school were discussing "how to stay Holy." I believe that they need these type of talks because they are at the age where they want to do things of the world and of course want to live for God but in the midst of that, things become complicated. So I want to be someone they look up to as an example. I don't want to see none of them back slide as I did. I know it will be a difficult task but it can be done. They need that intervention and constant reminder of the Lord.

To make things better the Pastor opened up with being hot or cold. And that's what was brought up in our conversation. They said it's hard to stay hot for the Lord when they want to live in the world. Then right after that she talked about faith and that was another thing I suggested to the teens. I kept repeating over and over to them once they have faith everything else will fall in line and the Spirit will just move and guide you. I thank my Holy Spirit for leading me and I pray I get through to them.

His Presence

I feel that my faith is becoming greater in God. No, I did not lose faith or was of little faith but it doesn't hurt to go higher. When you're stuck in one spot for a long time, it starts to get boring. So I am just taking it step by step and going higher.

The point of this blog is to tell you that my God is real and He proved it to me once again. I was in a lot of physical pain last night. I couldn't even sleep through it or focus on anything for too long. I started thinking about God. But my mind started to drift. Then I started up my prayer again. I asked for the pain to go away. Little by little the pain eased and I really felt the presence of God on me, for myself. Usually when I am in church the speaker says "God is in this place, give Him some praise." But I actually felt it for myself.

Once I felt His presence I told myself to take advantage. I changed my prayer from my pain to those I've been praying for, for forever. It felt so good! After He left me, I fell asleep giving praise.

My God

Living God. Breathing God. Everything I do, it's for God. So eventually I can be like Him. Holy and Righteous. God, God, God. The more I speak of Him the less chance for me to leave Him. The more I read about Him the more I'll know about His love that He shared. My God. My sweet, powerful, merciful God. Nothing can ever take His place. Not money, not gold, not sneakers, not material things. They all fade away. But He is eternal. My God.

What The Statistics Say & What I Say

Looking back I'd consider myself a very good student. In elementary school I made honor roll on every single report card and had the option to skip a grade. I also was a top performer in my classes. I always answered the questions correctly and was ahead in math and reading. In middle school I didn't make honor roll every report card but I was still a good student. At the end of sixth grade I was placed in honors classes and was apart of the school basketball team. In high school I was in some advanced classes and still my grades were on point. I was active in school and was apart of the cheerleading squad and a dance group for some time, as well as the girls basketball team and little groups here and there. I ended up graduating in the top twenty percent of my class.

By looking at the academics alone, I was considered the best of the best. But in the real world and looking at the bigger picture I am starting to get a different picture. In class since Boston is a major city we always have some type of reference to it when given statistics. Today we were given the stats for graduation rates and such comparing black students to white students. There was a huge gap. Blacks were at about 53% graduating on time while Whites were in the lower 80%. In articles I read that public education was not as good as a private education and blah blah blah.

I've heard it all before. As a public school student I do feel that we aren't given the resources that are needed to obtain the same education as those in private schools but we work with what we have. I feel that I took advantage of what I was given and made the best out of it. That's what we are told, to work with what we have. Now look where I am. I am at a college that is recognized nationally because of my high school teachers and guidance counselors. They were tired of the stereotypes made about public school students and go beyond to help those who are willing to succeed. And I am grateful for that. I am also tired of statistics saying what statistics are saying about how much I can accomplish and such. They don't realize it but it makes it that much easier to give up. But I am going to keep going to keep fighting and moving forward to the difference in my family and for those around me.

And of course thanks to God for the wonderful experiences I've gone through. I feel that I have a better outlook on life than most and values to treasure and to teach those behind me. I say that because people don't realize that they are privileged in America and don't have to go through certain stuggles. Nothing is obvious until you actually go through it and experience it.

Decisions

I was thinking about God and how he made the world and then I began to think of mans role in the world. I thought that God uses us all like barbie dolls and puppets all day every day. Meaning he makes us speak what He wants us to speak and makes us do what He wants us to do. But that doesn't make too much sense to me for the unsaved people. I am realizing that He lets us make our own decision and He will either put His hands on it or He won't.

I believe that because we are given the opportunity to make decisions, it is an area in life where we have our downfalls. Decisions are made from emotions/feelings and I am told over and over again that emotions/feelings can be the death of you in Christ. I am told that we cannot react to every emotion/feeling that we encounter. We just have to look past them and keep going sometimes. But we become so entangled in these emotions/feelings that it's hard for us to make proper judgement even though we mean to do right.

We can choose to do right but what is right to us may not be right to someone else and more importantly may not to be right to God. But as His people, and studiers of the Bible decisions become a bit more easier to make but a lot more repercussions follow these decisions, which means as we become deeper in Christ our decisions don't just effect our self but others around us. Decisions mean life or death, happiness or sadness etc. We have to make responsible choices.

Everything Under the Sun is Meaningless

In Ecclesiastes chapters 1 through 4 Solomon is pondering the meaning of life, and he came to the conclusion that everything under the sun is meaningless. He wasn't pessimistic about the world and saying that one should be lazy. He was saying the complete opposite. What I understand it as is even though everything underneath the sun is meaningless doesn't mean that your time on earth should be meaningless. He speaks on how one should obtain wisdom and not be foolish. Despite both the person of foolishness and the person of wisdom have the same fate of death, each has a different perspective on life. Wisdom sees while foolishness is blind.

Solomon goes on and talks about hard work. He was stuck on the fact that a person can put in so much hard work but when he passes all the hard work that was done will just crumble because the successor of that hard work might not appreciate it as much as he did. Meaningless. So he says to have satisfaction and enjoyment in what you do.

Next he talks about being alone. He finds that completely meaningless. He simply states that two and three are better than one because when the enemy comes to attack the group of two and three have others to lean on while the one only has himself. So he encourages us to come together to be strong.

Life comes and goes and once it's gone who remembers after that. It's meaningless. Everything under the sun is meaningless. My time on earth is meaningful while I am here but when I get my eternal life everything under the sun will become meaningless.

Loss of Words: Stuck on Stupid

I love my blog :-D !! I like to re-read it to keep myself encouraged and to see what's going through my head. What I noticed was, I am not a good word person off paper or blog post or however you want to name it. I am the worse person to ask to do anything that involves a freestyle of words verbally. Usually I'd say some things and then later wish I could add on to it to make it sound so much better or other times I'd have a list of things I want to say and then forget them by the time I come face to face with a person. It's bad.

I hate writing but deep down inside I love it. I'd rather send an email, text or message of any sort that have a conversation with a person. That technically is writing. I try to practice using my whole vocabulary index in my head but it never comes out right. Maybe that's why I hate arguing or speaking aloud. The words...just don't...quite formulate correctly.

Je Trouvais Une Nouvelle Aime

Je trouvais une nouvelle aime is french and it translates to "i found a new love." (j'ai trouve une nouvelle aime also translates the same) I feel this way because I am doing different things and then I end up liking it. I don't have to do what the norm is of my group. I can be different and still be the same Jessica everyone knows. Still certain people can't see me doing certain things like loving the Lord or listening to a certain type of music or even blogging. But I do it and I like it! That's all that counts. I am discovering new things about myself and I love that too. Some people are way older than me and don't know many things about themselves. So finding me is something that I am going to continue to do because it makes me happy.

My High

This past weekend was council and also my step show. About two weeks ago was conference and also my step show. I said "guys, I won't be able to do the show because I have council." They looked at me like I was crazy and puzzled because they didn't know what it was. I said, "I have church, so I can't be in the show." The captain rolled her eyes and said "every time we have a show, you got church." I just shrugged.

The day before the show another senior asked me, "are you ready for the show?" I was like "uuhhh I am not stepping." Her mouth dropped and she repeated the question again. I said "I have to go to church, well I want to go to church." She began to question me "isn't church on Sunday's, why can't you go to church on Sunday?" Bllaahhhhhhhhhhh!

I am to the point where all I want to do is church. It's refreshing to me. Just as people get a high from watching their favorite sports player play or whatever it is that they love, I get a high from going to church. I love to watch the people jump and dance, the musicians play their instruments, the message the Pastor preaches to get souls delivered. I love how most people in the congregation are on fire for the Lord. And most of all I love the Fellowship with my peers. When we come together it's something else. We can play a group game like Taboo and everyone will be satisfied.

No negativity. No drama. Just helping hands.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

If I know something for a fact it is harder for me to do wrong. When my mama asks me to do something and I don't want to do it or says something I don't want to hear, I can feel the attitude getting ready to burst out. Then the fifth commandment pops in my head, "honor thy father and mother." I stop. I think. Not so much about me getting ready to dishonor my mother (i care), but my father.

It was his choice to move so far away and it was his choice to contact us when he pleased, so I got the same mentality. But as this commandment kept popping up in my head I began to reason with myself for a long time. I felt that I would of been the real bad guy if I didn't atleast put one phone call through. I called but, no answer. I called a few days later, still no answer. Finally I get a call back and we talked.

After a few telephone conversations he says "I Love You" with a little skepticism in his voice. I forced the words back out and hung up. I then thought, "why the words were so hard to say?" I thought it was just plain acting in the movies when the kids had bitterness toward the run-away parent.

The Bible tells me to do one thing but I want to do another. But it is not my will and it is not about me, right?