Wednesday, March 4, 2009

It Ain't Easy

It's been roughly 3 years and 11 months since I've been saved and it feels like forever. I still remember it like it were yesterday though. I wasn't brought up in the church and only went about two times. My older sister (about 2 years old than me) started attending because of her bestfriend. To tell you the truth I didn't even know my sister even went to church (thats how disconnected we were) until she invited her other bestfriend and I to see her dance. So we laughed and made jokes about her going but still decided we'd go to show our support. We weren't doing anything anyways.

It was a friday night service and we had gotten there a little early. The church was huge. We walked into the sanctuary and so many thoughts just rushed my head. At first we sat in the middle then eventually moved into the front row. People began to fill in the seats of the sanctuary and service began. The young peoples choir sang 2 songs. As they sung, the other bestfriend and I were pointing to the few people we knew and of course the cuties :-D. We ended up liking the service and decided to go back.

So we started going on a regualr basis and partaking in the church activities. Time went on and then I started to feel it. I didn't know anything about God but I felt him in me. Then that sunday came when the Pastor was giving the alter call. I hate crying in front of people and I hate being the center of attention in a crowd that I do not know at all. But something was just telling me to go. Before I knew it I was in the aisle. As soon as I started walking tears started to fall. I don't even know who was praying for me before I got saved because the tears were just flowing. But I do remember my sister looking and smiling at me. I was embarassed. But I continued.

I was led downstairs to put on the baptismal clothing. More women came down to help. Before I went into the room to put on the white swimming cap, white granny panties, white socks and the white robe they prayed. Before I went up stairs they prayed. I was still pretty embarassed with all the attention. So it finally came. The part I now realize as no turning back. I stepped to the edge of the water pool then walked in the water. A few scriptures were said and down I went. As I came up people were cheering but I didn't feel any different.

I wish I knew what I know now. My first year of saved life wasn't too great. I was attacked and was stunned from it that I didn't even realize it. It wasn't a physical attack but a spiritual attack. I had a close relationship with a guy from the church. After we split, I spilt from the church. I stopped going to Bible Study. Then I went to Sunday Service on some sundays and then I stopped completely for a while.

About a year from then I was in another relationship. I thought I was passed the whole church thing. So I continued dating despite being told not to from previous church lessons. But still acting in my physical sense I did it anyways. This wasn't any relationship though. We were completely different spirtually and naturally. He was a Muslim and I a Christian. Some time into the relationship I began to feel that conviction again and expressed my desires of returning to church. Then is when I heard the most outrageous things a person could think of. Here was attack number two and still I didn't realize it until I got my foot back in the door of my spiritual life.

Here is when I realized reality. As I've heard in sermon after sermon, I can't live a double life. I can't do things of the world and still expect to be blessed by God. I learned to think of my Holy Spirit as a person, God as a Father. I've learned that I can only depend on Him. So I pray for my keeping.

Looking back I know that the enemy didn't want my life to be for God. That's why I believed what I wanted to believe and did what I thought was right. With me being a baby in Christ I was really vulnerable but it's all a lesson learned. As Cora said in a Madea play, "It's easier to fall down than to get up." And she is right. It takes no effort to fall. You can be as care free as you want until you hit the ground and come to your senses that that wasn't the way to go. Then you have to build yourself up to get up.

Hebrews 10:35-36
Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will.

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